It seems like nothing but a remembrance
A murmur in the fleeting silence
Somewhere within me a profound teacher
A silent observer in every human creature
My every uneducated action
And callous, indifferent inaction
Stirred within me a sermon of protest
The soul within me rolled in unrest
But, I am a thinking man
And arguments clouded me as well as I can
I was convinced I was right
And mindfully drifted from the light
The truth is what I want to believe
A concoction of thoughts that will relieve
And all the while that what is right
Remains an element of my crooked sight
But, deep within I cried
To my soul I have lied...
Every moment I lived by rules
A slave of society's holy tools
But, somewhere within me a dying voice croaked
The truth within me has just choked
Time passes and wounds heal
Unfriendly memories slowly seal
I dont hear them voices anymore
They seem to have vanished from my core
I have made my life a river of sorrow
Ceaselessly tormented by memories of morrow
Return to me my silent guide
I promise henceforth to always abide
My inner voice, my truthful teacher
Guide me to the light, oh noble preacher
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
A life so near and dear...
A morning like any other was in the process of creation. As the majestic sun arose from his peaceful slumber and began his ascent to the mount of the heavens, his scinitillating rays bathed and slowly lit up a quaint little Kerala countryside. The darkness beat a silent retreat and the scenery enlivened, doth in the green glory of the paddy fields bordered by the bluish tinged mountains. Ten years into Indian independence, a nation slowly settled into the mundane existence of a new born republic, yet untouched by the sagas of political bickering and complications of multi party democracy. For India and the world at large, this was any other day. But, then that would have been a careless generalization.
A desperate voice dented the calm quiet of the morning. 'Leave me, just leave me, you rogue!." A small five year old boy was struggling against the firm hands of the adult who held him. His tiny feet attempted to find a wedge on the ground to give him some sort of leverage in this struggle of unequals. The adult gave a sigh of frustration. He slowly adjusted his broad rimmed spectacles that had wiggled themselves loosely on his nose. His receding hairline, stern look and the wooden cane at his side gave away his profession. He was the Head Teacher at the Keezhara primary school. And today as part of his professional responsibilities he was dragging an unrelenting five year old to the portals of education.
'Please dont hurt my son, Masterji.' The sobbing mother just behind the master couldnt control her angst at seeing her eldest progeny in pain. The master appeared not to hear her appeals. He was fully aware that his actions were central to secure this youngster's future. In a village where reaching class Xth was considered a lofty academic achievement, he had no reason to doubt the nobility of his mission.
The introvert kid on whom the world of education was thrust upon on that fateful day, soon found himself in an amazing world. He embraced this world of knowledge with both hands. His hunger saw him gorging down whole textbooks within a day and soon he had run out of libraries in his locality. And when he passed out of class Xth as the first student in his village to obtain a first class, none were surprised. Probably, the Masterji allowed a smile to spread upon his strict demeanour as he reminisced that morning he dragged him to class.
His father wanted him to be a peon in a government service. But, the boy was adamant. He pushed himself into the world of electronics and thus, began a story of his success against difficult odds. And when he finally bid good bye to this existence at the age of 53, after a brave fight against cancer, none could say that he had not lived a wonderful and fair life.
The world might not know this gentleman. They might not even call him a hero; yes, maybe the few that knew him. But, for me he was everything. My greatest idol. He was my father.
will continue....
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Who am I? - A crack at philosophy
What is I? Who is I? Why is I there in the first place? Does I exist for a purpose? Is I's existence a search and satiation of that purpose?
Who am I? Thats what I tried to ask the doc the very first time I entered the world. But it came out in baby tongue and the poor fellow could hardly understand. That moment was pure. But, it was a moment that would pass by. The days ahead would teach me demand and supply at its most primitive level. The crying baby gets milk!!!
From no thoughts to hazy thoughts to confused thoughts to worrisome thoughts to an ocean of thoughts that would seize me day and night. Not a moment exists when a thought doesn't shoot through the inter stellar space of my mind like a shooting star. Shooting stars are rare. But, these don't seem to share that characteristic. The world presented itself before me as a strange tableau. A maze of moving images struggling for space;for existence;for recongnition. But all this never materialized in their true colour to me then. I was then a kid who was expected to cry, to demand and to smile. I had not a care. The world was a playground where all my selfish desires were to be fulfilled. Was this paradise? I never asked this then. For I knew not what is paradise... I knew not another world.
I was led by my mother to the first step of the "ladder of truth". The ladder whose each step would present me a new challenge. I was made to understand that the ascent of this ladder was the true realization of my existence. Its conquer was the "purpose" of my life. I stared at this marvel true and hard. It confused me. But, I had not known my mum to tell a lie. I believed her. Was she correct? That question seemed improper, impudent and immaterial. There were certain axioms I guessed that you assumed in your pursuit to solve the theory of life. But, then how did she know? Her parents had told her so. I assume as a dutiful daughter she too must have felt the same. I gazed up the lofty heights of the ladder. But, I couldn't chance past the first step. The remaining steps were shrouded in mist. I sighed it would have to be a step at a time. I placed my tiny feet on the first rung. I had joined Kindergarten.
So, I was set firmly on my path to glory. The immediate end goals of my life were to study, to fatten up and to play. These were strict activities that that would consume wholesome portions of my day. School taught me that my mind was but a point on the vast canvas of knowledge. The challenge was to grow the dot to a blotch. These would then grow to encompass the entire vastness of the canvas. But, then my dot never became a blotch. It remained a dot. It did grow yes. Definitely it did. But, this was in absolute terms. In relation that canvas spread out in infinite directions to infinite distances. What was I actually trying to do?
Towards the flag end of my school career my path was to be revealed in its true magnanimity. Though the upper rungs of the ladder remained in mist, I was made privy to its secrets. The master plan of my life was drawn out before me. And here it was in its most ideal pattern: gain admission to a college, pass out a graduate with a job, earn lots of money, marry, have kids, bring up the kids, make sure they too pass out of colleges with jobs, retire and then a finite wait till a master stroke called death envelopes me. Whoosh!! And everything that started out for a purpose finally reaches the goal. Common parlance calls it death,the passing away. I call it non existence.
This is the pattern followed by every human on the planet. The differences are limited to either the color of the ladder, the distances between the rungs, the number of rungs or the very architectural style of the ladder(if any). But, the last rung holds no more mystery to any human. The next step is known - non existence. But, then what are these steps in between. Why are we playing this drama in the first place. What is the purpose? Is death the ultimate purpose? Or are we learning to be good actors? Is there a purpose in the first place?
Propagation of the human species is the purpose of each being is a popular explanation. That would be assigning a very primal connotation to the very purpose of human existence. Then why all this intelligence? Is it just a farce? Does everything have to happen for a purpose? If not, then that would be an explanation in itself. But, how can we be sure? The lack of certainty means the search is renewed afresh. We are playing previously created scripts when perhaps we should be writing our own. We wish to limit ourselves to the constraints presented by this world. Why don't we think beyond?
I asked the question, how did we come here in the first place. School and science told me organic evolution. A number of elements and compounds whose very presence is a mystery in itself decide to come together under "freak" conditions to form the first cell. The cells then decide to group and evolve over fascinatingly long time periods extending to billions to more intelligent life forms.(A marvellous quantity of intelligence for seemingly primitive forms.)Religion begged to differ. And I was asked to swear by my religious texts. This was sacred information. The world was created one fine day by GOD.
I don't deny either school of thought. How can one without a solution or methods of disproof challenge the beliefs of the majority? But, none attempt to answer this question beyond the first step. I continue to be haunted by my questions. Why should anything be there in the first place? We are taught every action has a cause. The "Big Bang" may have created the universe. But, what was it doing there in the first place. What created it? If some one did create it then who created this someone. Where is the source of all creation? And again the crazy question? Who created the source and why should it have been there in the first place.
These may not be questions we can answer. But, they promise that the world we see may be just a point on a canvas. There is a lot more that we don't see and don't attempt to see. The question of "I" is not easy to answer. The mystery of life may have an existence beyond the constraints of scientific and mathematical formulae. These may not be questions that will present an answer in this lifetime. But, then we never know. Somehow the question of "I" may be hidden in the answers to these questions. Are we just what we see or something far beyond that....
Who am I? Thats what I tried to ask the doc the very first time I entered the world. But it came out in baby tongue and the poor fellow could hardly understand. That moment was pure. But, it was a moment that would pass by. The days ahead would teach me demand and supply at its most primitive level. The crying baby gets milk!!!
From no thoughts to hazy thoughts to confused thoughts to worrisome thoughts to an ocean of thoughts that would seize me day and night. Not a moment exists when a thought doesn't shoot through the inter stellar space of my mind like a shooting star. Shooting stars are rare. But, these don't seem to share that characteristic. The world presented itself before me as a strange tableau. A maze of moving images struggling for space;for existence;for recongnition. But all this never materialized in their true colour to me then. I was then a kid who was expected to cry, to demand and to smile. I had not a care. The world was a playground where all my selfish desires were to be fulfilled. Was this paradise? I never asked this then. For I knew not what is paradise... I knew not another world.
I was led by my mother to the first step of the "ladder of truth". The ladder whose each step would present me a new challenge. I was made to understand that the ascent of this ladder was the true realization of my existence. Its conquer was the "purpose" of my life. I stared at this marvel true and hard. It confused me. But, I had not known my mum to tell a lie. I believed her. Was she correct? That question seemed improper, impudent and immaterial. There were certain axioms I guessed that you assumed in your pursuit to solve the theory of life. But, then how did she know? Her parents had told her so. I assume as a dutiful daughter she too must have felt the same. I gazed up the lofty heights of the ladder. But, I couldn't chance past the first step. The remaining steps were shrouded in mist. I sighed it would have to be a step at a time. I placed my tiny feet on the first rung. I had joined Kindergarten.
So, I was set firmly on my path to glory. The immediate end goals of my life were to study, to fatten up and to play. These were strict activities that that would consume wholesome portions of my day. School taught me that my mind was but a point on the vast canvas of knowledge. The challenge was to grow the dot to a blotch. These would then grow to encompass the entire vastness of the canvas. But, then my dot never became a blotch. It remained a dot. It did grow yes. Definitely it did. But, this was in absolute terms. In relation that canvas spread out in infinite directions to infinite distances. What was I actually trying to do?
Towards the flag end of my school career my path was to be revealed in its true magnanimity. Though the upper rungs of the ladder remained in mist, I was made privy to its secrets. The master plan of my life was drawn out before me. And here it was in its most ideal pattern: gain admission to a college, pass out a graduate with a job, earn lots of money, marry, have kids, bring up the kids, make sure they too pass out of colleges with jobs, retire and then a finite wait till a master stroke called death envelopes me. Whoosh!! And everything that started out for a purpose finally reaches the goal. Common parlance calls it death,the passing away. I call it non existence.
This is the pattern followed by every human on the planet. The differences are limited to either the color of the ladder, the distances between the rungs, the number of rungs or the very architectural style of the ladder(if any). But, the last rung holds no more mystery to any human. The next step is known - non existence. But, then what are these steps in between. Why are we playing this drama in the first place. What is the purpose? Is death the ultimate purpose? Or are we learning to be good actors? Is there a purpose in the first place?
Propagation of the human species is the purpose of each being is a popular explanation. That would be assigning a very primal connotation to the very purpose of human existence. Then why all this intelligence? Is it just a farce? Does everything have to happen for a purpose? If not, then that would be an explanation in itself. But, how can we be sure? The lack of certainty means the search is renewed afresh. We are playing previously created scripts when perhaps we should be writing our own. We wish to limit ourselves to the constraints presented by this world. Why don't we think beyond?
I asked the question, how did we come here in the first place. School and science told me organic evolution. A number of elements and compounds whose very presence is a mystery in itself decide to come together under "freak" conditions to form the first cell. The cells then decide to group and evolve over fascinatingly long time periods extending to billions to more intelligent life forms.(A marvellous quantity of intelligence for seemingly primitive forms.)Religion begged to differ. And I was asked to swear by my religious texts. This was sacred information. The world was created one fine day by GOD.
I don't deny either school of thought. How can one without a solution or methods of disproof challenge the beliefs of the majority? But, none attempt to answer this question beyond the first step. I continue to be haunted by my questions. Why should anything be there in the first place? We are taught every action has a cause. The "Big Bang" may have created the universe. But, what was it doing there in the first place. What created it? If some one did create it then who created this someone. Where is the source of all creation? And again the crazy question? Who created the source and why should it have been there in the first place.
These may not be questions we can answer. But, they promise that the world we see may be just a point on a canvas. There is a lot more that we don't see and don't attempt to see. The question of "I" is not easy to answer. The mystery of life may have an existence beyond the constraints of scientific and mathematical formulae. These may not be questions that will present an answer in this lifetime. But, then we never know. Somehow the question of "I" may be hidden in the answers to these questions. Are we just what we see or something far beyond that....
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